The Kindness of Others

There is something about a new wallet.
There is something in particular, about THIS new wallet.
Embodied in supple leather, a beautiful clasp, crisp and clean new spaces is.... transformation.

My sister is something of a phenom when it comes to finding bargains, working deals, getting on with the business of life.
She's got a rep in the family: You need a bulldog to go to a store and negotiate a tricky exchange? You call her. You need a common sense approach to life over a cappuccino? You call her. You need to let someone know you negotiated a rained out 9 mile mountain pass without mishap; you call her -- and if you don't she will be calling you to make sure you made it home safely.

So when she invited me to spend the night at her seaside home this last weekend, although it has been in my nature to sit in dark corners and lick my wounds, I decided to take her up on the offer. Late afternoon found me in the ocean community 26 miles and a world away from my home. It rained...we shopped for quiche, sinful desserts, and unexpectedly; wallets.
I've been carrying a red leather wallet that holds a lot of memories for me of my partner and our travels together. I want to set the red leather aside for awhile; let it rest until I am once again strong enough to see it without feeling awful.

My sister finds this wallet in a pile of others...one of a kind.....special.....and one of her favourite makers. It's unmarked and it turned out to be quite a labor to get the price; but as I said, my sister is a bulldog and can negotiate anything. Finders Keepers being the rule of thumb, I loved and admired the wallet, and teased her that it was far too small for her to use. I knew full well, however, and so did she, that she COULD use it... so the tease was a ruse. Our evening went on; fuzzy slippers, TV, homework help to my niece, good natured teasing... uncharacteristically I was up until 1:30 am.

It was simply the kind of evening you really really need when you have had a week of lousy days and nights.

The next morning; she smiled and handed me the wallet.
And I took it.
It will always be my embodied memory of this gentle weekend with my sister and niece.
It is just what I need to carry with me.

Shattered

My partner of nearly 20 years and I are splitting up.

For the bulk of the week, we have been discussing things that would have been better said days...weeks..months....years ago.

We are not nasty...we do not fight...we work to not do more damage than this will already do to ourselves, our family, our friends.

We hold on to one another and cry..wishing we were anywhere but in this space. Hating the pain that we bring to one another...hating the work that goes into surviving from one hour to the next. When we can gather our breath; we speak of the tasks of untangling; who gets which chair...where does that lamp go....and at the same time, not really believing that we utter these words to one another....feeling like we have slipped into some alternate, surreal universe where everything is like an Escher drawing and nothing quite makes sense when you really look at it.

I google "how to survive a break up" sites.....although the truth of the matter is that this is not my first break up.

But what I have learned is, they ALL feel like the first time.

How Resolute Are Your Resolutions ?

I am actually quite proud of myself this year.

1. I managed to avoid ALL of the end of year retrospectives on who died in the last 12 months. All those little video clips of actors, waving goodbye to the camera from that great movie that they made; all of those composite shots of conductors or musicians against their embedded soundtracks, all of the tributes to those persons of influence that actually made a difference in the world. All of those things, not in my consciousness this year....except for the passing of Pavarotti. And even though I am not a huge opera fan; I know the world is quiet in a sadder way, for the loss of that unique voice.

2. I managed to avoid making ANY New Year resolutions. And this...is the focus of my rambling today....

For my YMCA of choice is filled right now, with the resolute. The smallish parking lot is clogged with the chariots of the well intentioned. The locker spaces are filled, the showers are running non stop. Everyone is on and off the scale--sighs, groans, growls and small whoops of joy sometimes can be heard. Most, I think, view the numbers in quiet desperation.

There is a relative kindness at this time of year, that all of us in the weight room seem to extend to each other. We recognize that we are all trying to make good on that midnight vow we made, after having a last treat at 11:45. We're trying to look practiced as we remember how to adjust machines...wait patiently when the one we want is in use...and we covertly scowl at those that don't look like they have a reason to be there in the first place.

We are not yet through January, and the game of Chicken has begun. Which of us will drop out of the effort to change what we think we must, first ? While it may mean one more parking space, or less time waiting for that infernal elliptical machine, I'll be a bit sad to see the faces that right now reflect our collective determination, change to frustration and finally disappear all together.

Come and hang out with me in January.... I'll bring an extra bottle of water.